


pity

by dachisung



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Abandoned Work - Unfinished and Discontinued, Anxiety, Depression, Eating Disorders, Sad, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, ion know if it actually classifies as an eating disorder but I'm gonna tag it just in case, jisung is straight up not having a good time, kinda angsty, this is literally just me projecting onto jisung uHh, vent fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-30
Updated: 2019-11-11
Packaged: 2020-11-08 06:00:31
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 3,781
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20830550
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dachisung/pseuds/dachisung
Summary: Jisung has bad days, just like everyone else. It's just that recently every day seems to be a bad day.





	1. tardy

**Author's Note:**

> gonna be honest I think I just ended up self-projecting onto Jisung, which is why this is rlly sad oops.  
there's still more to this (maybe another chapt or two) but if this gets a decent response ig I could make this have a decent number of chapters to properly end it nd whatnot.

Jisung doesn’t know what changed, or even when; as if it had slowly seeped in while the idol remained unaware. He had bad days before, of course; but life had seemed to take a turn for the worse as himself and the remainder of stray kids prepared for their comeback.

He would never admit it, of course. Never admit that he wasn’t feeling up to it. For how could he? How could he let his team down when he was needed most? The comeback was right around the corner; he couldn’t abandon ship now. 

He sighed, pulling the quilt of his bed to his chin. He knew he had to get up, go to the practice rooms with the others; but he couldn’t.

_If you can’t even get out of bed how did you manage to land yourself a position in stray kids?_ _Pathetic, really. _

‘Hyung, you need to get up” Jeongin’s voice sounded from the doorway, his voice bouncing in Jisung’s head. ‘We have to go in half an hour, you need to get ready.”

_ Useless, you are. Everyone’s waiting on you and all you can do is lay in your bed? _

Jisung grunted in response, his limbs unmoving beneath the warmth of the bed. He heard a sigh from the other side of the room as Jeongin disengaged; perhaps sensing the dark thoughts his hyung’s head was filled with.

_ See how quickly he left? How he sighed like that? He can’t be bothered to put up with you. _

Jisung shook his head, trying to flick away the destructive thoughts that seemed to bloom in his brain.

_ All you are is a nuisance, something to deal with; something difficult and annoying, like a fly. You’re an annoying fly, and you know it; yet you’re so selfish that you ignore that and pester those around you anyway. _

‘Jisung-hyung! You’re still in bed?’ The familiar scoff of Seungmin interrupted Jisung’s thoughts, as if put temporarily on pause. ‘Hurry up hyung, we don’t have all day!’ 

_ You’re inconveniencing them.  _ Jisung’s eyes watered at that, forcing himself to sit up, dangling his legs off of the edge of his bed.  _ Is that all you can do? Hold people up? Annoy people? You’re so selfish, I can hardly believe these people like you. _

He slowly stood up, wiping the tears from his eyes and stumbling towards the bathroom; uncaring if someone was already occupying the space; locking the door behind him, turning the fan on.

_ That is, if they do like you at all. _

Jisung froze, his shirt half pulled off as the thought echoed in his ears; despite being internal monologue. His eyes teared up again as he stared at himself through the mirror, raccoon eyes frowning back at him.

_ How could they? When you look like that and bring nothing to the table? It’s a miracle you made it into stray kids, let alone were even selected as a trainee. _

He pulled his shirt off, regaining the control of his limbs. He stripped down, turning the shower knobs to his desired scalding temperature; before stepping under the hot water.

_ They probably felt bad for you. _

He scrubbed at his skin, both to clean his body and mind; an attempt to rid himself of the demon within.

_ They pitied you, both JYP and Chan. They felt sorry for you and welcomed you into stray kids out of pity. They never liked you, just pitied you. _

Although it didn’t appear that he was crying, he most certainly was; the shower’s spray concealed his tears, though it couldn’t hide the noise his body made alongside the upset.

_ You’re such a waste. _

Jisung stepped out of the shower, scrubbing his face with his towel to wipe away the evidence of his sadness. He wrapped the material around his body as he stepped back into his room, closing the door behind him. Walking over to his own side of the wardrobe, he stared at his selection, already pulling on his underwear.

_ A waste of time, a waste of space, a waste of money. Just look at you. _

He pulled a shirt, hoodie and jeans; uncaring if they worked together or not, quickly pulling them onto his body. A small sense of relief overcoming him as his body was obscured with fabric. He didn’t bother looking in the mirror to check his appearance, uncaring; for all that mattered was that the hoodie chosen from his lucky dip was oversized and hid his body.

Jisung hurried to the bathroom again, quickly brushing his teeth; not meeting anywhere near the two minute mark, before grabbing the things he needed for the day.

_ How could anyone like you, really? _

He chucked on a pair of socks and shoes, catching up to the others who stood at the door; not daring to meet any of their wondering eyes.

_ All you did was waste their time. _

And so, they clambered into the car; Jisung could feel the pairs of eyes on him as he climbed in, could hear the whispers amongst the others.

_ They hate you. _

He looked out the window as more tears threatened to spill from his eyes; giving the pavement a blank stare the entire way to the company’s building.


	2. disappear

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jisung is confronted by Chan and Felix

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I suppose I should start this off with a warning since this deals with food nd like,, not eating?? I'm not sure if this would really fall under an ED but it deals with skipping and feeling bad abt food so if that's not cool I wouldn't rec reading this chapt since it's what Chan & Felix confront him on

The practice room felt too bright for Jisungs eyes as he and his friends stepped into the ever-familiar room. As if silently ordered, all but himself, Chan and Felix began stretching on the wooden floor; the two Australians whispering in each other's ears, undoubtedly in their mother tongues.

_ They’re talking about you. _

Jisung gulped, catching Felix’s eyes as he quickly dashed out of the room. Jisung figured that he too should stretch in preparation for the hours of dance practice they would no doubt undergo; lowering himself to the floor with shaky hands as his mind continued with it’s train of hurtful jabs.

_ Weak. They think you’re weak. _

He stretched his legs out, his hands holding his feet; albeit shakily.

_ No, they know you’re weak. _

He could feel the seven pairs of eyes on his back; their stares digging into his skin. He didn’t dare to look up from his feet, holding the position for far longer than normal. He couldn’t move, not with all those eyes on him, waiting for  _ something _ ,  _ anything _ .

_ They’ve figured you all out Jisung, they know. They know what you are, they know how lacking you are, how much of a hole you are in the team. _

It felt like Jisung was there forever, his eyes blinking away tears as he clutched onto his feet; unmoving. The air was empty and silent aside from a few whispers, hidden from Jisung’s ears under their breaths.

_ Trash.  _

The sound of the door opening again felt excruciatingly loud in the seemly muted room. Jisung didn’t look up at the door like he knew everyone else was, instead all he could focus on was his very own feet; of which his shaky hands still tightly held onto. 

‘Jisung.’ The deep voice of Felix called, footsteps seemingly getting closer.

_ Leave me alone, please. _

‘Jisung, look up at me.’

_ Forget about me.  _

Jisung wished the floor could swallow him whole. He’d rather be anywhere but here; but unfortunately, he or the wooden floor didn’t have magical abilities that would allow him to sink into the wooden surface. 

‘Jisung.’ The voice seemed to soften. ‘Please, look up at me.’

_ No. _

There was a sigh from above. Jisung guessed they’d finally given up on it, whatever it was. Unfortunately, it seemed that such wasn’t the case, as through the corner of his eye he could see the bending of Felix’s knees. He had crouched down next to the older, probably scanning his face or something, not that Jisung was brave enough to look up and check.

_ Weak. What kind of person is afraid of their own friends? _

Jisung couldn’t dote too much on that thought, as suddenly his chin was tilted upwards by the younger. Jisung merely stared at the distant corner of the room, panickily avoiding the concerned brown eyes of the Aussie seated before him. 

He could hardly breathe, he felt frozen; more so than before.

‘Jisung,’ The other repeated. ‘I have something for you.’

_ For me? For someone like me? _

Jisung figured that if he continued to ignore him he’d go away and realise that whatever gift he had for his hyung was a waste of his money and time; not that he could really do anything else in the frozen state he felt like he was trapped in.

‘Hyung please’ The younger seemed to beg. ‘You need to eat.’

It must be food, presumably a bar of some kind. He had hardly realised he’d skipped breakfast, he hadn’t felt hungry; and he still lacked an appetite.

_ You don’t need food anyway, you could lose some weight. Pig. _

Jisung crinkled his nose at the sound of plastic being ripped. The smell of the bar was anything but pleasant to his nose, forcing Jisung to move out of his stretch and to scoot away from the thing in question. Although he couldn’t see it, he knew Felix was frowning.

_ Can’t do anything but hurt people, can you? _

He curled into himself, pulling his hood up over his face, holding his legs against his body. Perhaps he was acting akin to a child, but he didn’t care; as long as no one saw the few tears that managed to escape it was okay.

_ How could people like this like you? People this talented like you? _

‘Jisung,’ The soothing sound of Chan’s voice seemed to wrap itself around Jisung, relaxing his shoulders a tiny bit. ‘Is it okay if I touch you?’

_ How could they like such a worthless being? Someone as untalented and forgetful as you? _

Despite the storm inside Jisungs head, he managed a small nod; hoping it would catch the leader’s eye.

_ You’ll never equate to anything. _

A soft hand landed on Jisung’s shoulder, rubbing slow circles into the blade.

‘Can you stand up?’

_ You’re too dependable, too weak. _

He hesitantly shook his head, afraid to admit that his legs felt glued into place. How could he not even manage to stan up on his own?

‘Would you like help standing up?’

Another, tiny nod signalled to Chan that yes, he did need help standing up; though he would never say it out loud.

_ You have to rely on someone else to pull you up? The only thing you seem to be good at is being a disappointment. _

He could feel Chan’s hands move to Jisungs own, delicately unwrapping them from the other’s legs; pausing until Jisung could feel someone standing behind him, seemingly feeling their shadow fall atop him.

_ You’re so difficult. _

Slowly, Chan pulled Jisung from the ground, careful to not move too fast and unsteady an already shaky boy. Felix had his hands around Jisung, not touching; but there to catch if the other was to fall. Jisung stared at the ground the entire time.

_ Pathetic, honestly. _

Chan and Felix lead him to the single couch of the room, passing the others whomst were already practising the choreography in silence. They gently placed him onto the cushions, once again holding the bar from earlier to Jisung’s lips.

Seeing Jisung’s repulse, Chan muttered that he still needed to eat; even if only the one bar.

_ But I’m not hungry. _ Jisung blankly stared at the food, hesitantly looking at the pair seated behind him; trying to find another way out from the situation. Felix shot him an encouraging look, making eating motions with his hands.

_ One bar wouldn’t hurt, would it? _ Jisung shrugged, taking the item from Chan’s hand. It was a slow process, the bar tasting no better than it smelled despite supposedly being chocolate; but Jisung finished it.

_ You’re such a glutton. Better work it off, show that you can do something for once. _

He stood up from the couch, his arm being caught by Chan’s hand. ‘Where are you going?’

‘We have to practice.’ Jisung gestured towards the six synchronised to a silent beat. ‘Comeback.’ Jisung muttered. Chan shook his head at the younger, Felix seemingly agreeing with their leader.

‘You don’t seem so well.’

‘I’m fine.’ Jisung shrugged it off. ‘It was nothing.’

The pair raised an eyebrow, they  _ knew _ it was not nothing.

‘I was just in a funk.’ Jisung promised, jumping around in an attempt to prove that he was okay. Chan sighed.

‘If you’re so sure Jisung, we’d better get to it.’ Chan didn’t press further, though it was evident he knew.

The pair stood up from the couch, and dance practice finally began.

  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> not much really happened in this chapter, I'm sorry;; I felt that if I continued it would feel too long, but bc of that my next update might be later today so I guess that's something to look forward to


	3. fixer-upper

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> dance practice goes into full swing, however Jisung can't help but fall short of Minho's expectations

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This ones quite short but I hope it's still enjoyable to read

The sound of “ _ Sound Effects” _ echoed throughout the otherwise empty room, the sound of feet accompanying the music. Although Jisung would never admit it, he wasn’t looking too flash when he glanced at himself in the mirror. He wasn’t off-beat necessarily, his moves looked sloppy and half-assed; lacking the energy he was attributed with onstage.

_ You’re ruining it. _

As they finished up, Minho and Chan looked over the footage recorded; writing down various improvement that had to be made on the whiteboard. Beneath his name, Jisung could see Minho writing to sharpen his moves and put passion behind it. Whatever that means.

_ You’re a terrible dancer, see? They all agree. You’re just dragging them down. _

After they’d finished with the list, the remaining six were called over from their separate groups to the whiteboard. Minho ran through the list, explaining what was not quite right and how they could improve on that. Jisung wasn’t really listening, he was off somewhere else inside his mind; daydreaming, if you will.

It was only when Seungmin playfully tussled his hair that the real world came back into focus.

‘-noticed that your moves weren’t backed by your usual energy and passion. I know that comeback preparation is exhausting, but comeback is just around the corner and we’ve gotta give it all we’ve got Jisung.’ Minho nodded, moving onto Felix’s almost non-existent list.

_ If everyone else is finding it so easy why am I finding it so difficult? _ Jisung tucked a particular strand of hair behind his ear, tuning out of the conversation yet again.

_ You’re hopeless, Jisung. When promotions come around you’ll be dropped off the team, your fans will see how untalented you truly are and you will be long forgotten. _

‘Jisung-hyung?’ Jeongin reached his hand out to help the older up, noticing the blank stare on the others face. ‘We’re getting back into it, come on hyung’ Jisung begrudgingly connected his own with Jeongin’s and got into place for another run-through.

Jisung was in the same situation as he was in the earlier run-through, he still appeared sloppy and lacked energy, no matter how hard he tried; he just couldn’t get it right.

The run-throughs blended together after that, Jisung never applying the advice given to him not due to being unwilling, but because his body wouldn’t. Eventually Minho decided that that was enough for today, patting Jisung on the back as he left the room.

_ Can’t even get your own choreography right. _

Jisung watched as the others slowly trickled out of the room, Chan standing at the door; raising his eyebrow at Jisung as he made no effort to walk towards the exit.

‘You coming Sungie?’ He asked, his arm holding the door open; tank top half down his arm.

Jisung shrugged, whipping his phone out from his pocket, searching for the room’s Bluetooth speakers on the devices settings panel.

‘You shouldn’t stay.’

_ But I did shit-all today. _ Jisung frowned. ‘I just want some extra practice hyung.’

Chan opened his mouth to speak, Jisung quickly interjecting with ‘I promise that I’m okay. I just want to try and fix what you saw today.’

_ That’s if it can be fixed. _

‘Don’t stay any longer than you need to’ Chan warned. ‘And be careful, call us if you need to. Don’t feel bad about asking for help.’

Jisung nodded, waving Chan away as he left. He wouldn’t ask for help, at least not directly. Doing so would show that he was just as weak as the voice in his head said he was.

The ever-so familiar tune of “ _ Side Effects” _ blasted through the speakers once again, Jisung once again putting everything into his choreography. However, upon looking in the mirror he could see that yet again he lacked his energy, and appeared sloppy.

_ You’ll never be able to get it right. _

Looks like it was going to be a long night.


	4. Sneakers

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jisung wakes up to find that he was still in the practice room.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> theres self-harm in this chapt so if that is not cool feel free to skip over this chapter

The sudden flash of light awoke Jisung from his slumber, a groan sounding from his chest. His bed felt  _ hard  _ and  _ smooth _ , almost as if his bed wasn’t a bed at all. He groggily opened his eyes to see that he wasn’t, in fact, in his bed, but rather on the wooden floor of the practice room; no wonder his “bed” had felt cold and hard to the touch. The title track of their next mini-album still echoed around the room, the deep voice of Felix playing out over the speakers.

_ So lazy, Jisung. Can’t even practice without assistance. _

He buried his head in his arms, hissing at the ache they produced as a result of his awkward sleep position. Footsteps made their way towards Jisung, only making the boy want to sink into the ground even further.  _ Don’t want to exist right now. _

‘Jisung?’ The voice of Woojin called out, massaging the shoulders of the younger gently. ‘Chan asked me to check on you, we should head home.’

_ Leave me alone. _

‘Jisung.’ The voice was more stern this time, probably noting that Jisung, though awake, made no effort to respond to the other. ‘We’re going home, even if that means I have to carry you back.’

_ Just leave. _

With a sigh, Jisung felt the sensation of arms wrapping themselves around his body, the ground disappearing from underneath him. Woojin tried to ignore the way Jisung hardly even acknowledged his existence, instead carrying him out to the car he had arrived in. 

The drive to the dorms felt like it took forever, Woojin soothingly rubbing into Jisung’s thigh as they were driven to their home. He didn’t want to open his eyes and acknowledge the real world, he felt tired, not only physically but as if himself was drained mentally too; moreso than yesterday or how he had felt throughout the past week.

_ Worthless. _

Woojin carried him inside too, softly placing him on the lounge’s couch. He brought a blanket for the younger also, wrapping it around his body for him.

‘We’ve been given a break today.’ Woojin whispered, running his fingers through the younger’s hair. ‘Rest up.’

Suddenly, Woojin was gone.

_ He hates you, see how quickly he left? _

In an attempt to ignore the waves of self-doubt and hatred, Jisung tried to focus on sounds. Unfortunately, though Jisung was unsure of what the time was, it was eerily silent; the other members mustn’t have woken up yet.

_That means Woojin got up early to pick you up._ _You’re disgraceful._

Jisung once again felt like his limbs were impossible to move, stuck laying on the couch; which was nice and comfortable if he was honest. However, he knew that despite how nice and warm he was, his brain was only using such time to himself as a way to make him feel like shit. He had to get up and do  _ something _ , he needed some kind of distraction. Perhaps he could write? Might as well try to do some work.

He reached over for the phone that Woojin had laid on the coffee table beside the couch, his fingers scrambling to grab the device. Upon opening the devices notes, Jisung found his brain to be empty. Or, well, not necessarily  _ empty _ , his mind was overcrowded with words; it was more so that there was nothing that was of use in his brain. He decided that maybe he just needed to wait a few minutes for the inspiration to hit, watching the typing cursor as it blinked on the empty page.

Needless to say, nothing came.

With a sigh, he decided to scroll through social media. Although the task was rather mundane, it was something to distract the waiting avalanche that was his mind.

Within fifteen minutes, Jisung found that his scrolling through social media wasn’t blocking the rainfall of voices in his head, closing his phone; lightly slamming the device onto the coffee table.

_ Worthless _ .

He scrambled out from under the blanket, suddenly feeling way too hot, clothing sticking to his skin with sweat. When had he gotten so sweaty?

he made a noise of discomfort, pulling the material from his skin.

_ Disgusting. _

He scanned the room, eyes dropping down to his shoes that lay at the end of the couch he had rest on.

_ You deserve it. _

He snatched up the sneaker, wielding it in his right hand above his leg. He slammed the footwear against his knee repeatedly, swapping legs after each whack. He made sure he hit himself on his knees, doing so would make such easier to disguise as bruises from practice. He had done it before, and he’ll do it again.

Each hit stung, but somehow gave the boy a sense of relief.

_ You’re nothing. _

With a final swing, he dropped the shoe, tears brimming at his eyes. He threw himself down onto the couch, finally able to fall asleep; his mind silenced by the ache in his knees.


	5. note

Hey, I'm not sure if there's actually anyone who's interested in this, but in the case that there is, I figured I should conclude this in some way. The whole premise of this fic is basically projecting and venting, but if I'm honest with the way that it's going I don't derive any satisfaction with writing this; and I feel that I should start anew in that regard; of which will again be focused on Jisung but the contents will be somewhat different I guess. Because of this, I feel that it'd be kinda unnecessary to keep this fic up as I work on a new one, so the plan is to essentially delete this and restart. I'm not sure of the audience of this fic's thoughts or perspective so I figured I'd ask for your input on such. It'd be greatly appreciated if you could comment your thoughts on the matter. 

In the case of recieving no comments within the next 48 hours I'll delete this. 

I'd also like to thank you all for reading this mess (and possibly my next mess if you want to stick around) I'm not sure how you manage to find it enjoyable in any sense but it's greatly appreciated :)


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